Tbilisi Collective

I would advocate against violence forcefully, literally forcing myself to post something, go on demonstrations, and participate in student activities just for the sole reason of fulfilling my civil responsibility and not because I felt angry, sad, and heartbroken. And whoever knows me, knows that this is not me. I am passionate about advocating against what I believe to be injustice, and I do find the recent issue horribly unjust but somehow, I made myself feel indifferent towards the subject, justifying it with being emotionally tired.

Honestly, not hearing myself and jumping into the void really brought me down even physically. I have been sick for the fourth week, feeling super weak and taking a bazillion naps a day because even waking up in the morning makes me tired. I just feel like shit all the time. I literally feel like Beth from Little Women but at least, she kept being somehow happy. I was telling my friend how sick I am of being sick and how I did not understand why I could not get fully recovered. She kindly reminded me that I do not allow myself to fully recover because I overwork: I study, write my thesis, work full-time, and try to survive in the biggest city in the world and have a personal life. Instead of mindfully receiving this feedback, I became angry at my body which started to unacceptably fail me.

But okay, enough misery. I am feeling slightly better now which is proven by the fact that I took my time to sit down and write all of these. A few days ago I had this epiphany that I need to start taking care of myself. How did this epiphany strike me? I was riding a bicycle and suddenly I started taking deep breaths. And that is when I felt for the first time since I arrived here that I was breathing. I hopped up on the train the exact same day and while standing in the train I surprisingly realized that my body was so tensed even when doing nothing as if I was carrying 20kgs of baggage. I relaxed my body and I felt so light. When I came back home I told myself that I would do yoga at least three times a week. I stopped listening to music 24 hours a day which was a way to disturb my thoughts in the past, and I started to appreciate pure silence. Also, I decided that I would take myself outside every day for at least one hour. It has been three days since these changes have been made to my life and I am keeping up with those promises. Do I enjoy doing that? – Nah, not really. My friend calls this state “tasteless joy.” Would I prefer to spend most of my time in bed? – Yes. But I know that this is good for me and I feel like at this time in my life, the recovery process is going to be very slow but hey, first steps have been made.