Bodies, Boredom and Sex

by Sopho Kharazi

Let’s talk about what we love and hate talking about: our bodies.

I went to the exhibition of Jean Dubuffet and one whole section was dedicated to the concept of Body. Within the scope of Art Brut, bodies depicted by Dubuffet are not conventionally beautiful but rather something you would be confused to see due to the weird figures. While looking at them, I felt familiarity, thinking that this is how I see myself right now. However, this thought was neither positive nor complimenting. As much as the whole idea of Art Brut is to challenge the way we view beauty, I have quite a fixed idea when it comes to judging my very own body.

I asked you on Instagram whether you have ever felt uncomfortable in your body, estranged from it, and if yes, how you managed to overcome this feeling. First, I would like to thank you for responding so vulnerably and shout out to my one friend, who was the only male sharing his experience. Most of you said that this has happened at least once in your lifetime, mainly due to the extra kilograms you gained, lack of physical activity, and toxic boyfriends. Methods used to overcome this feeling involved working out, therapy, talking with friends, going on dates, and receiving external validation from guys. My guy friend who I must emphasize works in a gym and has a body of Asian Hercules shared that he has this ingrained fear of being “fat” again, so even though he is very fit, he still feels as a “fatty” deep down (I am using his wording). Reading your messages made me realize how many types of “I do not feel comfortable in my body” exist in this world, and how individualistic each person’s same struggles are.

So, what is my struggle?

Even though I have always known that I am no Adriana Lima, I used to feel very sexy in my body. And let me tell you, I am not one of those lucky people who were born with abs and ass. I had to work hard for it since I was 19 years old. There were times when working out felt good, and sometimes, I hated it but the idea of seeing results and becoming how I envisioned to be was very motivating. But suddenly, I reached the moment, when I started to hate working out – it just started to feel mentally painful and very unenjoyable, not even tolerable. So, I stopped moving and gained weight. In the beginning, I really liked how my body became womanlier with more curves and slightly bigger breasts. But very gradually, I started to notice signs of becoming frigid and neglective towards myself. I began to buy grandma’s underwear for the sake of comfort that evolved into me forgetting to flirt with myself in front of the mirror. Furthermore, I would totally disregard looking at my body in the mirror unless I had to check my outfit. Finally, this whole process reached the point where I became less and less intimate with myself – and that is a problem, because I have always been proud of my habit of buying new lingerie, dressing up in front of the mirror solely to remind myself how hot I am, and I do not need a man to tell me that. I mean, this used to be my favorite thing to do because it would boost me with confidence. But one day I woke up realizing that I have not done it for a year. And with that, my libido was barely giving signs of livelihood. In the beginning, I thought “oh maybe I grew up and sex has become less of a priority” – what a nonsense, I am 28 not 78.

So, basically now I start to realize that I just like myself less and less. And now that I am writing this, I realize that this issue is not only related to my body but to me in general. Few blogs ago, I talked about how I find myself boring, even though I do not think it is valid to say because I am always trying to learn and do something new. But somehow, things that used to excite me stopped being stimulating and sex is one of them. When I think about sleeping with someone, I immediately get the feeling of boredom. And I want to try to explain it better – I do not feel this way because I am not open to sexual experiments. I am just in general bored of myself, people, and intimacy. And I would not find this problematic if it was not making me discontent and uncomfortable in my own self. It feels as if I am transitioning into the new creature, but this transition is taking too much goddamn time. And this is how I feel about life in general. I am lost in my career which I have talked about numerous times, I feel like I have reached all the goals I had, and I must figure out what is my next step. And the same happened with my body. I reached my goal of being hot and now I can fuck it all up rather than maintain and improve. And this is my toxic trait – tossing everything into trash once I am peaking. And because of this behavior, in the moments of crisis, I always feel as if I must start from scratch.

Starting all over has always been my jam – whenever I encountered a problem, rather than facing it and solving it, I would leave everything behind and literally move to another part of the world to start a new life.

But I have the feeling that life is kicking me in the guts, so I need to finally start taking responsibilities and commit. So, I have started working out AGAIN. And if you want to take responsibility and commit, VOTE ON 26 OCTOBER.