Dating Patterns of a Friendly Asshole

by Sopho Kharazi

I am writing this right after having a two-hour conversation with a close friend to whom I have not talked for months. Obviously, when you tell a friend about what happened to you in a span of several months, it feels like you are reading a summary of the period of your life – it kind of makes you cringe and think about things in a different way. After talking for an hour, she gave me her verdict and it felt like a very necessary slap across my face – nothing new to be honest, but she put everything in a very organized framework. Listening to her was very interesting because usually, my girlfriends I have daily contact with are single, so receiving a perspective from a friend who is in a healthy, committed, monogamous relationship felt like fresh air. Basically, after telling her about my dating life, she told me that throughout the years, she had observed this pattern I use in my personal life:

Step 1: I go on a date without any expectations and effort to even look better than I do on a daily basis, and most of the time, I have a good date.

Step 2: After the first date, I unintentionally disappear and usually the guy is the one to reach out, saying how he enjoyed the time spent together and would like to repeat it. If I share that feeling, I agree to meet again.

Step 3: I enjoy the following dates but I keep my distance in order not to get attached.

Step 4: I start to like the guy a little bit too much than I planned to, so I intensify the “keep the distance” game. Usually, picking up things I do not like about him helps.

Step 5: I detach so much that the guy thinks I am not interested at all and obviously he stops “bothering” me. And then the cycle repeats itself with a new “victim.”

Let’s also not forget here that throughout the whole process, I friendzone every person I go on a date with, no matter if I am crazy about them and would like something more than just being buddies who occasionally do sleepovers. It was funny because my friend told me: “You need to stop friend-zoning everyone, you have too many friends at this point. That friend-zoning is not good for you because it feeds your fear of commitment. Stop sitting on two chairs with one butt” – classic Slavic saying which means that I need to get the fuck out of a grey zone I self-created and start looking at some things from a black-and-white lens in order to understand what I want from whom.

This conversation actually helped me open my eyes and realize that despite being aware of my feelings, I still have problems with acting according to a reason rather than fear. I always kept asking the universe why my every situationship/relationship starts, develops, and ends in the same way. I wish the universe has told me earlier: You dumb bitch, because you make the same mistake over and over! – Mind you, I am the person who loudly expresses her despise towards people who cannot learn from their mistakes… ironic.

So, it all made me think about the psychology of toxic guys. I realized that every toxic person I dated in my life was not necessarily intentionally toxic towards me, but primarily towards themselves. One day, my friend told me about this person she fancies and I told her: “he is not a relationship type because he is emotionally detached.” And the minute I said these words, I asked myself, “Who am I to judge? Am I a relationship type myself?” Honestly, if I dated my present self, I would probably end up heartbroken, sipping wine and telling my girlfriends how unhealthy it all was. So do I even have the right to shit on other people for being toxic, when I am acting as an asshole myself? But a cute asshole… A friendly asshole.