Emotions, Fears and Sluts

by Sopho Kharazi

Today, I was wondering about the topic of being an emotional slut. By emotional slut I mean a person who opens up about too much too soon. I have been thinking about where the boundary of sharing too much too soon ends. Personally, I have never been a person who emotionally opens up to a partner fully. Thanks to my therapist, God bless her soul, I have reached the conclusion that my emotional virginity is a product of my father’s emotional unavailability. Even though we have a great relationship, I have never seen him express his feelings the way I would like him to, through healthy communication. Subsequently, being raised by this male figure contributed to my animalistic chase of similarly emotionally closed partners whom I would silently beg to open up to me so that it would make me feel special – let’s all welcome ego to the stage. Obviously, I failed…. Being unable to communicate my feelings did not help the situation much. And believe me, I tried, and I tried, and I tried … But it would always end up in a self-defensive mode, where I would put up this selfish “I don’t give a fuck” mask on. However, through a lot of self-work, I think I have opened up a little bit but I would not say I am emotionally slutty, and I hope I will never be. What is interesting though is how my attitude towards the topic of sharing feelings has changed.

My first experience with a guy who actually bombarded me with his emotions was on a small island Penisland where I lived for a few months. While living there, I went on a date with a nice Penislander. Without getting into much detail, within the 10 minutes of meeting him, I was aware of his whole traumatic relationship with his father just because I complimented the car he was driving which happened to be his father’s in the past. I will confess, I felt awkward but I was under the impression that the guy does not mind talking about his emotions. After one month our paths separated, and I have been thinking about why I did not feel comfortable opening up emotionally in response. It is interesting that in 10 minutes I received everything I was hoping for in 10 years of relationships/situationships with men, but in response, I got overwhelmed and shut down. Don’t get me wrong, I do share and communicate my feelings straightforwardly, but somehow I do not do it in a fully vulnerable mode. I mostly manage to use my rational mindset when sharing my feelings with people I am into rather than fully showing my trembling voice, teary eyes, and facial expressions which are authentic accessories to my vulnerable self. Of course, that is my self-defense mechanism to avoid being hurt, attached, and considered needy. Even though I have been working on myself for years, I am still not fully there and I do not know if I ever be there. I achieved this mindset that I do not find toxic partners attractive anymore and I look for people who are not afraid to be vulnerable. But how much vulnerability can one take in order not to be overwhelmed?

I was falling in love on a Penisisland. I will emphasize right away that the person is not an emotional slut. To this day, I believe them to be one of the most amazing people I met – strong enough to be honest with their roller-coasting emotions, which we all have but suppress, and not afraid to share them. But as sad as it is, I chickened out… I completely banned myself from further falling in love because of how overwhelmed I became by the amount of feelings shared with me. I completely freaked out when I imagined being in a relationship with a person who is so open. In other words, I was scared by the idea that if I started a serious relationship, dealing with their emotions would also become my obligation

The following paragraph will get me a lot of shit from people, but hey, I am being honest here. For a person who always seems to have her shit together, it is frustrating for me to be around a partner who tends to always share his or her inner struggles, and I am not saying this is okay. This is why I am confused with myself. On the one hand, I want someone emotionally open and on the other hand, I get frustrated when I am bothered by my partner’s emotional struggles for too long. The reason is that my mindset goes this way: “If I manage to deal with my emotions on my own without bothering you for days and days, why cannot you?” As selfish as it sounds, I experience all these confusing contradictions which again lead me to ask, how much is too much when it comes to being emotionally open to the partner?