Let's Create Problems

by Sopho Kharazi

What happens when the life you have, has been planned by you but now you realize that you do not like your plan and the life you are living?

Do not get me wrong, I am still enjoying what I have, but my intuition tells me that this artificial feeling of being satisfied will end soon.

Okay, let’s start from the beginning. First of all, I have been thinking of myself as a loser because I live in a city that just does not feel like the one, as if I am dating a person who I do not enjoy but tolerate. The second reason why I feel like a loser is because I hate my job. And someone might think hate is a strong word here, but I truly do. It does not even pay enough to ease my attitude towards it. But somehow, I am resilient to moving to another country due to the comfortable bureaucratic advantages this job is giving me in the long run, as we all know that the disgustingly Russian-prone Georgian government makes it scary to think about going back to my homeland. Third, the emails I get daily are “We regret to inform you that after thoroughly reviewing your application, we realized you are not a perfect fit for this job position.” That makes me feel like shit. And I am not having a pity party here. I am listening to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross as if I am the one playing that last tennis match and trying to come up with a messy plan for my amazing future because all my plans are messy. In fact, I feel messy as I am writing this. My friend once told me: “You are the only person I know who can go with the flow of life so successfully.” Maybe she is right and I should stop creating problems when there are no problems.

Anyways, I am in that cool mood when you can say fuck off to everything and spontaneously run away to starve because your 27-years old ass does not even have savings. After all, yes, I rely only on my plan A which is not even an actual plan. Marrying someone rich could be a plan B but too late, I already have wrinkles and small boobs. Jokes aside, I do feel impatient though to change my life and have everything sorted out. This impatience makes everything ten times harder because I put pressure on myself and in the end I am left in the same place doubled with anxiety.

The realization that I am not a student anymore (I still have to finalize my thesis though) somehow hits hard, because I re-entered adult life that I happily exited two years ago. The idea that I do not have to move anywhere in a few months feels so weird. When I first arrived here and started working full-time, my mind panicked as I thought that this was it: I would live here and work here FOREVER. Because somehow in my mind, this is what settling down meant to me. And the fact that I had to stay in one place made me feel claustrophobic. It took me two anxious weeks and good talks with my friend to realize that everything is under my control and I can change my life anytime I want.

Talking about friends, it took me quite a while to share these things with a few of them because I just did not want to face all this mess I was feeling. And now as I am writing this, everything feels so much smaller than before because I was rushing so much to change my life while having moved to a new place just a month ago. Funny how writing down things makes you visualize the stupidity of the problems that are not actually problems.

Anyway, sorry for a messy blog but that is how I am right now.