Melancholy of Remembering the Past

by Sopho Kharazi

The topic I want to discuss today is what I recorded a few weeks ago. So, all those emotions that I will describe here are honestly gone because they were intense on that specific day, but I would still like to share. So, let’s pretend, this is what I have been thinking about today, and as usual, start this blog with…. I have been thinking about the intensified emotional confusion that was disturbing me for some days mainly because I did have neither time nor desire to address it. So, on one random day, I woke up in a sadly peaceful mood because I had an emotionally rich and pleasant dream about my ex-boyfriend. I will mention in the beginning, that there are no more “Oh I still love him, think about him, or talk about him.” For this reason, I was surprised that I dreamt about him but at the same time, it felt very warm to see him again. The dream itself was very pleasant: we were happy to see each other and updated each other about our lives. But even in the dream, I felt so sad because he felt like home and I knew it would end. He always feels like home and home always means security to me – this is why I think, he will always have a special place in my life. This dream caused numerous thoughts in me that were more based on feelings rather than rationality because, logically, we all know the answers to the questions I will ask below.

First, even though I perfectly understand that our break up was the fault of both of us, I started to wonder, what if we met in a different period of our lives when we knew exactly what we wanted? In a fragment of a dream, we were talking about something very personal which I do not want to share here. However, during this conversation, I was thinking, “How did I allow this to slip away?” I know, believe me, I do know that this thought is completely irrelevant but this is what came to my mind and heart, so I am sharing. Since meeting him, I have been in this dilemma of do I want to be a family-oriented woman who has a stable life in a small city with a loving husband and children or do I want to explore the world, build a career, experience crazy things and just do whatever and whoever I want. As you can see, I chose the latter which I do not regret but deep inside, when life becomes hard and challenging, I wish I had this stable family life that is perceived as boring by so many. When I think about it, I always wonder if I chose the right path and would I be happy if I stayed. Well, I already know that no, I would not be happy because, at that age, I would have to give away all my needs, curiosity, and freedom. I was listening to the podcast Philosophize It! and it was discussing the philosophy of giving away part of your privacy and freedom for the sake of guaranteed security. Obviously, it was analyzing the topic from a politico-philosophical perspective but I do believe that a lot of people also experience this in their private lives. And this thought of mine about my ex-boyfriend resonated really well with the topic of the podcast.

Second, as a freak who is very harsh when it comes to my own failures, my ego is reluctant to adapt to the thought that this relationship did not end up being successful because, in my twisted mind, I failed to complete the project that I took upon myself. In other words, I perceive this relationship as the biggest failure of my life, especially when I usually get what I want. It is just mind-blowing for me that after so many attempts and hard work, I still could not make it work – I know how disturbing it sounds, and I know that relationships are neither failures nor successes, it is all about the experience and I know that it takes two parties to ruin or build the relationship, bla bla bla. This is not even about love anymore, but about my ego which happens to be the size of the moon.

Finally, I have tried to forget all the bad things that happened with him because I did not want to leave this bitterness in me, but I also tried to forget all the good things so that I was not a walking delulu. Subsequently, I tried to erase him from my memory which was happening quite successfully. But boom, suddenly this dream came and it made me remember so many funny stories we went through together and I realized how many more I forgot or remembered in a very foggy way. The memories of this relationship are fading away and when I realized that, it made me quite melancholic. On the one hand, I want it to keep fading away, because I believe it is healthy but on the other hand, it makes me so sad that a person I once loved and entered adulthood with is disappearing from my memory.

Long story short, the dream helped me realize that I miss my ex-boyfriend not in a romantic way but in a humane manner – a person who I do not love anymore, who I do not see as a potential partner anymore but towards whom I feel very warm and thankful emotions despite all the shit he made me go through (I also did…).

This leaves me with a thought, not necessarily a question – it is so important to make each other feel appreciated and loved and in general, feel special in order for us to prosper in a beautiful way. Sadly, we do not do it often due to our own insecurities and it costs us some precious relationships. And that, my friends, is very გულდასაწყვეტი (I could not find the exact word in English).