Thanks for the last night, it did me good.

by Sopho Kharazi

The issue I am going to talk about has been giving me an inner turmoil for few weeks now. Of course it has something to do with dating. I went on a date in France just to have fun. I was visiting the country and unfortunately, life has transformed me into sarcastic Miranda rather than delusional Carrie, so I had zero expectations of finding my true love on a date which would end up with me flying back to another country. Also, I really wanted to hook up with a French surfer, to the point that I blindfolded myself into sleeping with a French plumber who loves to catch waves here and there. But the point is not that I lived a porn fantasy for a night with a plumber ripping off my clothes without even touching my kitchen sink. The issue is that in a very long time, I went out with a guy who felt like home.

I met him under the lighthouse to watch the sunset. He led me through a forbidden path to reach a viewpoint. He brought a bottle of wine and glasses, I brought snacks. It was unprecedently romantic, but I did not allow myself to be impressed because I have heard from numerous girls that this is a normal first-date behavior among French guys. In the beginning he seemed dry and numb with a single facial expression, monotonous voice and boring answers. The issue was that I could not just leave because we climbed bazillion cliffs to get to the date point, hence there was no way I would be able to make a cinematic exit. So, I drank myself away and enjoyed a truly magical sunset. With each sip, I observed myself falling back into the pattern of being an entertainer on the date – asking numerous questions, making jokes, giggling and smiling. I was not mad about it though because I started to have a good time.

His dryness began to look funny to me, I felt as if we clicked even though nothing from his side changed much – I was catching dry facts with French accent in the air. But this made me want to know more, to be seen worthy of knowing more about him. After, we continued drinking in the bar. He ordered for me which I found very sexy, and we started playing this game of who would order the worst cocktail. At this point, I was very drunk and desperately seeking for this guy’s validation, who on the other hand, made zero effort to make me feel any special. And that’s when the culmination arrived. While we were laughing about something, he suddenly said: “I feel so boring today, I do not understand why you are not leaving this date. I do not think this is working, I better go” and he stood up. The minute he pronounced these words, my heart dropped. I have not felt this feeling for years. My heart dropped and I was swallowing tears. I do not know if he even noticed because I tried hard to play it cool and said: “okay bye” which probably was not a reply he expected as he stayed, and I felt relief. Eventually we spent a night together.

I want to make it clear that I gave and still give zero fucks about this guy. He is an insecure, emotionally unavailable, egocentric, toxic guy like millions of others we have all encountered at some point of our lives. Analyzing his behavior is meaningless as he is not important enough in this story. However, the whole date made me reflect on myself.

I was triggered badly from the very beginning of the date. My friend asked me why instead of leaving, I went home with him? And now, when I think about it, the reason is a sense of familiarity. I was suddenly teleported into the series of thousand splendid heartbreaks I lived through with my ex-boyfriend who for years felt like home to me – this constant chase for approval, attempts of proving I am special, fear of being abandoned. From the minute I met my date, every move, every word, every facial expression – both mine and his – felt unrealistically familiar and it gave me sense of comfort which I have not felt in a very long time as for the past few years, I have been consciously choosing to date nice guys. This time, I consciously decided to follow a self-destructive path. In the moment, I did not realize any of these. I did have an uneasy feeling somewhere inside me, not necessarily the feeling of being physically in danger, but uneasiness of knowing the guy is toxic. And I deliberately dared to jump in because I missed the feeling of danger and challenge. My parachute was my flight back the next day, safety of knowing I would not have a chance to pursue this guy in any way possible.

I came to all these realizations few days after, when I talked with my girlfriends and over-analyzed the whole issue. According to my girlfriends, who can write a doctoral thesis on this topic, I was manipulated – and I agree. Was he aware of the fact that he was doing this? We will never know. Maybe yes, or maybe this behavioral pattern is so engrained into his skin that it comes out naturally. We do not really care. Did it make me angry to understand that I was manipulated? Yes. My friend had a situationship with a guy who was very similar to my date. He bragged to her that during dates, he would purposefully make girls feel unworthy, and act hot and cold with them, so in the end, those girls would start insecurely seeking validation from him. I swear, some men are just pigs. But unfortunately, a lot of us fall for those pigs and start to chase unavailability.

Anyways, our love story ended with him texting me the next day:

“Thank you for last night, it did me good”. Obviously, I ghosted him, but the worst part is, when I remember everything, I smile with the readiness to go through it all again for the sake of the thrill.